When the fuck are you going to grow the fuck up? When the fuck are you gonna grow some balls and learn to not be so fucking irresponsible? I seriously don’t know why I keep dealing with your fucked up shit. Why I keep come back to you’re pathetic ass. How do you even think that you deserve me when you don’t do shit to try and keep me? What more can I do to make you happy? To make you notice me? To make you pay attention to me? You tell me that you love me, but that’s not how you keep a relationship. You don’t put any effort in and yet you think I’m happy. You know I’m miserable but you don’t do anything. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I don’t know how I can endure this anymore. I just don’t know.
I think I’m losing him. I really am. He might be sleeping next to me every night, but he’s not really there anymore. I’ve lost him to someone else, my heart and my soul. Now he’s with someone more interesting. Someone that can give him what he truly wants. I am no longer good enough. I am merely a plaything, someone there for physical pleasure. I don’t matter anymore.
Last night, he drifted off to sleep as I sat in a corner and wept, attempting to stifle my cries and the urge to slap myself… I gave in…but it didn’t matter because his snores carried on. He used to care…he used to stop me. Now I am simply the flesh that temporarily satiates his desires. I guess no longer deserve the tenderness bestowed upon one’s love… I no longer deserve his attention.
I just want to end the misery. I just want to feel those calming moments of when I press that cool hard metal on my temple. The resounding click that echos through the emptiness of my mind. I just want to feel that shiny bullet pierce through my mind, taking away all of my memories and miseries. I can’t this pressure anymore. I can’t stand the lies. It’s not worth living anymore. Just a single movement and everything will be bliss. Just a single move.
So everything is basically now in order, and it all feels so surreal. Packing is almost done and I’ll be leaving in two months.. I have such mixed feelings about moving to a whole new community though…I’m sooooo excited to go, but my family is so sad to see me leave. I just feel guilty for putting them through all of this. I’m hoping this move will make me a better person and give me lots of new experiences that will help supplement my world. Hopng for the best. *crosses fingers*